Saturday, January 15, 2011

Dumb Laws Continued

More dumb, crazy, stupid laws.

The original Dumb Crazy Stupid Laws featured 53 of the dumbest laws I could find. Researching and reading them is strangely addictive, so here are 74 more laws just as dumb and some even dumberer. Enjoy.
In Alaska, it is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. This law is so strange it is absolutely moose-tifying.
In Alabama, you may not carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. But the front pocket is okay. • It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile. Legal, yes. Safe, no! Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Guess this law was enacted B.K. - Before Kleenex.
In Arizona, when being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses. Run out and arm yorself with the nearest AK-47. It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling. I don’t understand this law. Less than one is none. Does it mean half a tooth will get you in trouble?
In Arkansas, dogs are not allowed to bark after 6 pm. What if they just whine a little when they need to go out? It is unlawful to walk one’s cow down Main Street after 1 pm on Sunday. What's so difficult? Take Bessie for a stroll before 1 pm.
In California, you must own at least 2 cows before you are permitted to wear cowboy boots. Can I at least wear my cereal box sheriff’s badge? It is illegal to lick a toad in Los Angeles, California. Seems like a ridiculous law, no? But there is a genus of toads that excretes a hallucinogenic substance on its skin, and urban legend states that people lacking intelligence were licking them. Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. I think we have that law in Florida, Hawaii and Puerto Rico, too. • Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. Get a room, guys, get a room. Women may not drive in a house coat. Understandable. Driving in a car makes much more sense.
In Colorado, tags may be ripped off pillows and mattresses. That’s not right. They are taking jobs away from the mattress police.
In Connecticut, you are not allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands. Must have been some circus troupe that lost their GPS and messed it up for the rest of us.
In Florida, it is illegal to sell your children. How about just renting them to someone - for about 18 years? Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Sew the straps back on your dresses, guys.
In Georgia, members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session. Makes sense. They need to get to the capitol quickly to enact some more dumb stupid laws.
In Idaho, a person may not be seen in public without a smile on his or her face. As W.C. Fields said, 'Start every day with a smile and get it over with.'
In Illinois, the law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. What if the fire is in the grill. the stove, or the barbecue? One may not urinate in his neighbor’s mouth. Ugh! Was anyone doing that? Question: “What’s the definition of urine?” Answer: It’s the opposite of “you’re out.” • In Illinois and Oklahoma, it is illegal to make faces at dogs. But officer, that bulldog made a face at me first!
In Indiana, the law stated that the value of Pi is 3. Next, they’ll repeal the law of gravity. A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17. Put shoes on the baby, dad. Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session. Shouldn't that be the other way around?
In Iowa, a man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public. Kisses may last for no more than five minutes. So set your watch and make sure the man doesn’t have a moustache. Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants. But they can have their fill of parking meters.
In Kansas, pedestrians crossing the highway at night must wear tail lights. If you can’t find your tail, any place on your butt will do. If two trains meet oh the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. Is that possible?
In Kentucky, dogs may not molest cars. And just how would they do that? A female may not be in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is with at least 2 police officers or she is armed with a club. The club must be for fending off the 2 police officers.
In Louisiana, fake wrestling matches are prohibited. Keep this quiet. If the World Wrestling Federation finds out, they may hurt you. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with false teeth is "aggravated assault." Is there a penalty for gumming someone? It is illegal to gargle in public places. No problem. I’ll just gargle in my throat.
In Maine, it is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window. First story or third story – OK. It is illegal to park in front of Dunkin Donuts. Was Entenmann’s Bakery the sponsor of this one? Deer may not be fed. Isn’t that animal abuse? You may not step out of a plane in flight. I’m laughing so hard at this one I can’t see the computer keys to type.
In Massachusetts, taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts. That makes sense. The back seat has so much more room. It is illegal to give beer to hospital patients. I say, let them go out and find a bar just like everyone else. At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches. Who’s counting? The deceased?
In Michigan, there is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens. Pigs, cows, horses and goats - OK. But chickens? It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. I guess a ring wouln't fit on its "finger."

In Montana, it is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. Who is the chaperone for? The driver or the sheep? Hard objects may not be thrown by hand. But you can kick them all you want. Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated. Make them stress-free with medication.
In Nebraska, it is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup. Billy Bob, I told you I smelled chicken soup in that bar.
In New Hampshire, on Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up. Looking in any other direction must be acceptable.
In New Mexico, idiots may not vote. Wouldn’t it make more sense if the law said: Idiots may not run for office. It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. No comment.
In New York, the penalty for jumping off a building is death. Yes, it usually is. A man can’t go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. Is Donald Trump responsible for that one?
In North Carolina, no one may be a professional fortune-teller, and if one wishes to pursue the practice as an amateur, it must be practiced in a school or church. Sure, hypnotize the kids and the church-goers and you can rule the world.
In Ohio, it is illegal for more than five women to live in a house. Too many cooks spoil the brothel. Ordinance number 223 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses. If it were roulette, I’d bet on number 1 and 2.
In Oklahoma, it is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots. Why would you want the hind legs in your boots in the first place? Forelegs, maybe. But hind legs? It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo So are they saying actual sex with a buffalo is OK? Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of 3 or more on private property. First, the dogs have to learn to count to 3. Anyone caught soliciting a prostitute gets their name and photo shown on television. There’s nothing like that 15 minutes of fame. Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger. It’s about time they passed a law like that. My hamburger is sacred.
In Oregon, dishes must not drip dry. How about if they just hang there and hold it in? One may not bathe without wearing "suitable" clothing. Aha! So that’s where we got the term, “bathing suit.”
In Pennsylvania, a special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. I suggest putting it all in a box and shipping it to the governor. You may not catch a fish with your hands, and you may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth. This I would pay to see.
In South Carolina, it is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays. Just be prepared to pay for her attorney on Monday. It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide. Don’t worry. If you succeed in your suicide attempt, I guarantee you will never face trial.
In South Dakota, no horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants. Of course, that's where they coined the phrase, "clothes horse."
In Tennessee, frogs must cease and desist croaking at 11 pm. There’s a great business niche - supplying all those amphibians with teeny little waterproof watches.
In Utah, no one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call. Any other time, however, be my guest.
In Vermont, there is a state law prohibiting "corrupt" practices of bribery by any person other than candidates. Can you believe there is actually a law on the books allowing candidates to be bribed without the fear of punishment? Seems like many candidates already know about that law in other states.
In Virginia, spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated. Calling names is fine. Spitting gets you a fine.
In West Virginia, it is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 pounds. But the law doesn't include chickens (see Michigan law).
In Wyoming, using a firearm to fish is strictly forbidden. I've always had more success myself with a fishing rod.

1 comment:

  1. Great post. I found it to be very useful. I will have to bookmark your
    site for future reading.